Boats Behind You

You burn the boats behind you expecting to reduce your burden..
But when you stop n freeze in time n look back, you see nothing but ashes..
And thus the journey towards the unknown continues…

Why to burn the boats?

..because the past has such ugly pain attached with it sometimes, that we're scared to make new mistakes..

in fear of experiencing the same pain again

Or maybe we have repeated the same mistakes so many times that we tune our minds that we can’t possibly make any new ones; new ones are important sometimes in order to grow into a more complete form of your true self.

Some parts of the boat that still burns might have gone unseen while it was intact. Or maybe it is the realization inside the mind that only once I leave no path of return, can I move ahead. Or maybe the distance helps to see what vision the comfort in closeness could not provide.

The pain of loss is intense; and each time you lose something new, the agony associated is new and different as well. This pain can either paralyze you into a stagnant state of the spirit and mind, or motivate you to gain something newer and better; but nonetheless, it hurts!

As we progress in chronological age, we do not grow older, but it is only that every next mistake becomes a wiser one, even if a repetitive one.

I’ve attempted to kill my inner child so many a time, but failed. She continues to turn into an adult who just becomes more rigid in her faith in all the goodness that lies unexposed or partially so, around her. She gets disappointed and tired of her struggle to keep her own goodness alive, takes a blow, falls down, suffers a concoction, but gathers herself and raises to the challenge again, trying to forget all the blows from the past. Shall her stubbornness pay off? Who knows! The journey is slow, but the goal is to keep moving on (emphasis: MOVING ON, not running away). She has done the latter in the parentheses so many times, only to end up panting, and stopping to absorb a better view of the surrounding dimensions.

“Oh! I stopped again; I just hope I get going quickly again, because the longer I stay, the harder it’ll get to move on. But I shall just walk, take things slowly this time, and not run away just because it gets painful to leave.”

So many times, being made to stay where it wasn’t my place, and so many times ran away from parts of me, assuming they were borrowed for some purpose, whichever.

Pyromania (feeling pleasure in setting things on fire, watching them burn) hardly ever helps, isn’t it?!

My (Indirect) Relationship with Lucifer

If somebody asks me what the true essence of life is, I would say it’s a person’s conscience. No matter what the voices exterior to our own being keep shouting out to us, if something feels good, and the feeling is consistent, to me it means my conscience is satisfied.

Once I had a small session with a shrink, and I asked her after doing my catharsis, if she felt I fit into the ‘psychopath’ category. She answered, “All the guilt trips you feel after doing things which you know are wrong, only show that you are not.” *Phew*. That was a relief, especially considering all those incidences where I was clearly labeled a psycho both by people related to me by blood and otherwise. And after all, they weren’t really ‘normal’ themselves, were they? =) (and yes, they know themselves too!) ;)

They say the biggest human fear is rejection, the fear of not being accepted as a person for who you are, or what you do or say. Then fear itself is the extreme opposite of love, and I agree for fear hinders many opportunities for betterment in life, when it goes non-confronted. And BECAUSE of this stupid fear of being neglected, most people do not even express themselves for who they truly are before others. They might believe in something strongly, but they would go all against displaying that same behavior publicly for ‘fear’ of what ‘the others might think’. Yes, the others do matter, I do not negate that, and the collective image they gather of you does make a difference, for one should respect others’ ideologies too. But if winning their approval is happening at the cost of compromising your conscience, something that you are not at all; or if it’s a complete inaccurate version of your beliefs, and on top of it if you’re consciously aware of this happening, then I’d say it’s absolute hypocrisy.

Somehow, it just doesn’t make sense to me why humans would deny their own human nature by posing to be ‘more than human’ in being nice to someone; many times to the extent that that same ‘someone’ would start feeling so indebted to you for your ‘selfless’ act that they just don’t know how to compensate that. And yes, that ‘selflessness’ would, in most of most cases, just be an ‘act’, for life is all about the ‘self’, and the things around that can relate to it. Face it, humans: The respect you want, you crave for, and you strive for, in the end is just a vicious cycle of honesty, and being true to karma. At the least, my (vast) study of the specie tells me that what we really are, and what we become to fit into the process of ‘how the world works’, are different things. How can you expect to win someone’s heart, when the image you are projecting to them is just a camouflage over your own heart, actually stained with hypocrisy and pretense?

Coming down to my ‘relationship’ with Satan, or Lucifer, or whatever: well, he has always been there for me, though only to torture my soul and test my faith in his counterpart. My fear for him has forever existed, which led me to many situations in the past where I had to forgo opportunities to turn to God; but at the same time, my love for God and His graciousness to stand by me in my ever-prevalent struggle helped me to keep coming back to Him. This I am sharing so that I may give hope to many out there who are lucky to have conscience enough to keep returning.

“I dive into death, and surface for a breath.”

-Self

I was even confused many times in life about what measures to use to figure out if I’m actually one of the evil or the pure kinds. The conflict would make me doubt and question my own beliefs and morality. And then, the society, the different specimens within it belonging to various schools of thought, and the varying colors amongst characters in my own household, would make it even harder for an inquisitive mind under influences of sorts. It’s not over, it never shall be, for I believe or at least I would like to take it this way: Lucifer reckons most and most frequently, the ones whose faith he himself is scared of. He just cannot absorb the fact that his efforts go to waste again and again, just like I feel mine withering away so many times when I try to ignite the spark of insight among those that I see trapped.

I do not say, neither would I ever be in a position to do so, that I am free now, nor anyone else can ever be. The best and the most we, as the weapons of war between the devil and God, can do is to keep our conscience alive. Because eventually, we ourselves are the best judges to determine what satisfies us deep inside our souls, and what does not.   

All made-up faces have certain dark similarities.

I need you to stay in the picture so that I do not lose track of the frames...After all I attract distraction..remember?!