If somebody asks me what the true essence of life is, I would say it’s a person’s conscience. No matter what the voices exterior to our own being keep shouting out to us, if something feels good, and the feeling is consistent, to me it means my conscience is satisfied.
Once I had a small session with a shrink, and I asked her after doing my catharsis, if she felt I fit into the ‘psychopath’ category. She answered, “All the guilt trips you feel after doing things which you know are wrong, only show that you are not.” *Phew*. That was a relief, especially considering all those incidences where I was clearly labeled a psycho both by people related to me by blood and otherwise. And after all, they weren’t really ‘normal’ themselves, were they? =) (and yes, they know themselves too!) ;)
They say the biggest human fear is rejection, the fear of not being accepted as a person for who you are, or what you do or say. Then fear itself is the extreme opposite of love, and I agree for fear hinders many opportunities for betterment in life, when it goes non-confronted. And BECAUSE of this stupid fear of being neglected, most people do not even express themselves for who they truly are before others. They might believe in something strongly, but they would go all against displaying that same behavior publicly for ‘fear’ of what ‘the others might think’. Yes, the others do matter, I do not negate that, and the collective image they gather of you does make a difference, for one should respect others’ ideologies too. But if winning their approval is happening at the cost of compromising your conscience, something that you are not at all; or if it’s a complete inaccurate version of your beliefs, and on top of it if you’re consciously aware of this happening, then I’d say it’s absolute hypocrisy.
Somehow, it just doesn’t make sense to me why humans would deny their own human nature by posing to be ‘more than human’ in being nice to someone; many times to the extent that that same ‘someone’ would start feeling so indebted to you for your ‘selfless’ act that they just don’t know how to compensate that. And yes, that ‘selflessness’ would, in most of most cases, just be an ‘act’, for life is all about the ‘self’, and the things around that can relate to it. Face it, humans: The respect you want, you crave for, and you strive for, in the end is just a vicious cycle of honesty, and being true to karma. At the least, my (vast) study of the specie tells me that what we really are, and what we become to fit into the process of ‘how the world works’, are different things. How can you expect to win someone’s heart, when the image you are projecting to them is just a camouflage over your own heart, actually stained with hypocrisy and pretense?
Coming down to my ‘relationship’ with Satan, or Lucifer, or whatever: well, he has always been there for me, though only to torture my soul and test my faith in his counterpart. My fear for him has forever existed, which led me to many situations in the past where I had to forgo opportunities to turn to God; but at the same time, my love for God and His graciousness to stand by me in my ever-prevalent struggle helped me to keep coming back to Him. This I am sharing so that I may give hope to many out there who are lucky to have conscience enough to keep returning.
“I dive into death, and surface for a breath.”
-Self
I was even confused many times in life about what measures to use to figure out if I’m actually one of the evil or the pure kinds. The conflict would make me doubt and question my own beliefs and morality. And then, the society, the different specimens within it belonging to various schools of thought, and the varying colors amongst characters in my own household, would make it even harder for an inquisitive mind under influences of sorts. It’s not over, it never shall be, for I believe or at least I would like to take it this way: Lucifer reckons most and most frequently, the ones whose faith he himself is scared of. He just cannot absorb the fact that his efforts go to waste again and again, just like I feel mine withering away so many times when I try to ignite the spark of insight among those that I see trapped.
I do not say, neither would I ever be in a position to do so, that I am free now, nor anyone else can ever be. The best and the most we, as the weapons of war between the devil and God, can do is to keep our conscience alive. Because eventually, we ourselves are the best judges to determine what satisfies us deep inside our souls, and what does not.
